Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
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Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Okay, I’m still confused…
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
this will hang in the louvre one day
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…