Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Something Saturday.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second