Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dawn_M_'s best tweets

@Dawn_M_ : If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you're holding someone's hand without having to touch anyone.

@Dawn_M_: If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Dawn_M_: [plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I'm hungry

@Dawn_M_: Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say "I love you too"?

@Dawn_M_: You see some crazy stuff when you're out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@Dawn_M_: Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

@Dawn_M_: I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

@Dawn_M_: [lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

@Dawn_M_: Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can't get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

@Dawn_M_: It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.