goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
You Might Also Like
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Shoo shoo! 😂
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.