Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Lmao
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there