When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
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*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
me when I see my crush
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.