@DearAuntAbby: My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she's not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

@DearAuntAbby: It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

@DearAuntAbby: If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you're high enough.

@DearAuntAbby: Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@DearAuntAbby: I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@DearAuntAbby: Your call is important to us, we'll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us