The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
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Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
he was correct
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest