Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie