I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
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Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
somebody come look at this
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt