I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Fat chances are my favorite chances
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.