me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Social Media and Real life
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other