Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs