Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.