DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
You Might Also Like
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Just so funny
*aggressively waits in line*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.