Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
The honesty is refreshing
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Vodka burrito was a success
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives