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The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳