[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.