My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
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“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh