ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
no refunds
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi