@DevilryFun: Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
@DevilryFun: Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
@DevilryFun: My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
@DevilryFun: Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
@DevilryFun: Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
@DevilryFun: You don't need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
@DevilryFun: I'm so tired, I'm thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.