I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom