I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
i choose….tongue
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”