you will never know the true number of layers
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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..