“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
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I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My life in a nutshell
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?