Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
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If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.