Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DillDoes's best tweets

@DillDoes : *pours a bucket of water into the ocean* You're free now

@DillDoes: [god inventing animals]
okay here's a new one. It's an umbrella
"okay"
made out of jello
"alright"
and it electrocutes things
"you're drunk"

@DillDoes: Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they're like "have that one, I don't even want it"

@DillDoes: *throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright

@DillDoes: [Bar]
"What'll you have"
Scotch
"You want it neat"
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*
Thanks

@DillDoes: Being a worm must great. Its like "wow that dirt was great I hope there's more" and there always is

@DillDoes: Sir it would appear that you have sugar poisoning
"You mean Diabetes?"
Ooh look at me, I'm a patient that knows all the diseases ooh

@DillDoes: *walking in forest*
*tree falls and makes a loud noise*
WOAH
*tree gets up*
*tree pull a knife on me*
"You didn't hear SHIT"
*tree runs off*

@DillDoes: *Burglar breaks into my room*
*he looks around*
*he softly wakes me up*
Dude do you need some money or something? I'd be happy to help

@DillDoes: hello 911
"whats your emergency"
there's someone in my home
"are you safe?"
it's a girl
"do you like her"
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know