my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
The symmetry is uncanny.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*