I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.