Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Dirty_Naomi's best tweets

@Dirty_Naomi : I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can't open my midnight snacks. It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.

@Dirty_Naomi: I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.

@Dirty_Naomi: Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.

@Dirty_Naomi: Hubs: There's nothing on TV *winks*
Me: Remember last time?

*both look at 2yo*

Hubs: There's over 900 channels, we'll find something

@Dirty_Naomi: Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?

@Dirty_Naomi: 2 Jehovah's witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.

If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.

@Dirty_Naomi: I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in.

@Dirty_Naomi: I'm going to start rubbing myself up against people when they've got nice food. If it works for my cat, it'll work for me.

@Dirty_Naomi: I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@Dirty_Naomi: After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.