When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
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Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The two types of wives
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Cats are still liquid.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter