People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
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Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?