Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
You Might Also Like
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]