Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DiscoFruit's best tweets

@DiscoFruit : [3rd grade] bae: come over me: no bae: my parents aren't home. me: but we're only 7, that's awful parenting. bae: but- me: AWFUL. PARENTING.

@DiscoFruit: [first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well... i'm almost positive that i'm just a normal person..?

@DiscoFruit: me: *lights cig* do u smoke?
girl: no, cigarettes killed my father
me: oh, cancer..?
her: no, an army of them, gunned him down
me: wait what

@DiscoFruit: they say running is addictive, that's why i don't do it, i'm afraid i'll end up in a fitness gym alley offering sex for treadmill time.

@DiscoFruit: [dies and goes to hell]
me: "mom? dad!? what are you doing here!"
dad: "we used to switch your food with the dog's food sometimes."

@DiscoFruit: i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you..

- bees