You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
And then there were 4
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.