Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
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DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.