I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
😎 🍻
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My birthstone is kidney
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.