4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
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[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?