Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
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[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Quadruple digit IQ
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.