One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
see you in hell you stupid fruit
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”