I’ll never salute you, General Settings
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.