*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
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The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
A drum solo but on your face.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.