Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DomesticGoddss's best tweets

@DomesticGoddss : This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@DomesticGoddss: Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

@DomesticGoddss: If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren't going to school.

@DomesticGoddss: I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off--a skill I apparently didn't pass on to my boys.

@DomesticGoddss: Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I'd apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don't change the taste of pasta.

@DomesticGoddss: Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."

@DomesticGoddss: Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address?
8: It just says "Hashtag 301."
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@DomesticGoddss: Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 7.