Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
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I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad