I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*