My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
who called it hell and not heaven’t
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My first son he is wonderful
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky