@Donnie_Fairburn: The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven't seen since high school asking what you've been up to these days
@Donnie_Fairburn: Just installed the iOS 9 update and I've already noticed a significant increase in my phone's battery life! This is aweso
@Donnie_Fairburn: 911: What's your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That's not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON'T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Police sketch artist job interview]
"How am I not qualified?"
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
"It's a cat actually"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Son, hey son"
"Know why we named you Adopted?"
*Sighs* Because I'm adop-
"BECAUSE YOU'RE ADOPTED"
Good one dad
"I'm not your dad"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
"Can I ask you something?"
"Why'd you name the dog 'Another Man' babe?"
@Donnie_Fairburn: [Pharrell eating at Arby's]
"I want a new look"
Like a new hair cut?
*notices the hat in the Arby's logo*
"I've got it!"
@Donnie_Fairburn: "Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!"
- The first horse ever ridden (probably)