What’s so funny?
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
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A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Batman v Dracula
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If snakes were wide
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff