Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
When someone says you are so lazy
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too