My favorite type of men is ramen.
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it