Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of DontTouchMyWine's best tweets

@DontTouchMyWine : My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

@DontTouchMyWine: As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

@DontTouchMyWine: Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

@DontTouchMyWine: Him: I love redheads. I could totally see you being a great wife.

Me: I could totally see you being a great chalk outline.

@DontTouchMyWine: I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.

@DontTouchMyWine: Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight's dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

@DontTouchMyWine: If we're talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I'm looking for an artery close to the surface.

@DontTouchMyWine: It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.