Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
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Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
girls literally only want one thing..
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!