any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.